you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
