Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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