On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
