I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
