i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.