dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
