I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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