I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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