i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
two words...techno handjob
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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