I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
