you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
