can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize
