I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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