you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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