im six kinds of drunk right now
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
