My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
