Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
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Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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