Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..