Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
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I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
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Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.