He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.