He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
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