I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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