Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
