i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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