On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
