Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
