I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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