you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
