My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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