I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
