I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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