I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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