Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
