There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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