You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
