U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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