So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
