I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
