I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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