Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
