Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
