He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
