How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Randomize
