I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
