the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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