Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
