his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
