On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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