I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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