he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
