thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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