I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize