You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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